warming up for NaNoWriMo
Oct. 8th, 2010 05:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
opabiniaEXAMPLE INTERVIEW QUESTIONS
Skills/Abilities/Qualifications
1.What do you consider to be your greatest strengths?
I have excellent interpersonal skills and marksmanship.
2.Are you creative?
Yes.
3.What qualifications do you have that make you think you will be successful?
I'm incredibly good at kissing ass AND stabbing people in the back. Very few people can do both.
4.In what ways do you think you can make a contribution to our organization?
Hahahahaha! Ha?
5.Why should I hire you?
Because all the guys who turned me down are dead.
6.Why do you feel qualified for this job?
There is a Martian crawling across the ceiling right now.
7.What are your special abilities?
Are you even listening to me?
Experience
1.In what jobs have you been most interested?
Blow. Haaahahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAH!! Get it? OH! That was pretty good. Hoo-ah!
2.Tell me about your experience.
Which one? One time, I did some nitrous, and I swear the bookshelves were throbbing, like, DHUT-DHUT-DHUT-DHUT-DHUT-DHUT
3.How did your previous employer treat you?
I'm not allowed to talk about that.
4.What have you learned from some jobs you have held?
From driving the school bus, I learned about Grand Mal seizures. You know what those are? Man, once you see a kid in braces and headgear, squirmin' under the seats, bouncing up against 'em like popcorn... Well, nothing ever comes close to being that funny again. I mean, it's like, every other thing you see is a let-down.
5.What jobs have you enjoyed most? Least? Why?
I don't really enjoy work. That's why I get paid to do it.
6.What have you done that shows initiative and willingness to work?
One time I applied for work as an ATA-certified translator. When the guy asked me if I was certified, I said no -- I'm honest like that -- and he said something rude. I knocked him out (one punch!), and took over his desk for the day. Brought in three new contracts over the phone, using the audio feature on Google Translate.
7.What did you like least about your last job?
The cleanup. Forensics is very thorough these days.
8.What did you like most about your last job?
I got to ride in a motorcycle sidecar, with a leather flight cap and goggles. That was a childhood dream come true.
Education
1.How has your education prepared you for a career?
That's the stupidest question I've ever heard. Next!
2.Why did you select your college or university?
Three words: hot, brainy chicks.
3.If you could, would you plan your academic study differently?
Hey, does this mole look irregular to you?
4.Do you think your grades are a good indication of your academic achievement?
HOLY SHIT I THINK I HAVE MELANOMA I AM GOING TO DIE MAN
5.Do you have plans for continued study?
OH MY GOD WHYYY-... Oh. It's a, um...
6.Why did you pick your program or concentration?
Right! It's a smudge from a temporary tattoo. Phew! No, it was cool. It was a little cartoon frog head in a glittery star. Hard to describe.
General
1.What do you think it takes to be successful in a company like ours?
Is that a snot ring around your middle finger? I'd say "Not much."
2.Describe the relationship that should exist between a supervisor and subordinates.
If it's consensual, or at least quiet, it's OK.
3.What 2 or 3 accomplishments have given you the most satisfaction?
In high school, there was this fat kid on the soccer team. I wedgied him so hard, his underwear elastic ripped all the way off. I made him wear it like a necklace.
4.If you were hiring a graduate for this position what would you look for?
What the hell, man? If a tree falls over... I mean, what's the point?
5.What can I do for you?
You can stop asking questions and give me an offer letter, so I can go home, spank it, and nap.
6.Tell me a story.
Are you insane? OK, OK. Once upon a time, you gave me an offer letter. Then I went home, masturbated, and napped. The End.
7.Define cooperation.
Don't wanna.
Self Awareness
1.How would you describe yourself?
I'd like to phone a friend.
2.Tell me about yourself?
The phone call. I have a right.
3.What motivates you to put forth your greatest effort?
Dude! You have a land line? Do you realize how primitive that is? Show me your flint knapping kit, Thag!
4.How do you determine or evaluate success?
FIRE GOOD
5.What academic subjects did you like best? Least?
Come closer. Let Grog groom your matted beard.
6.What led you to choose the career for which you are preparing?
Do you make up these questions, or do they write 'em down for you?
7.What personal characteristics are necessary for success in your chosen field?
What do you mean, 'I'm not helping?!'
8.What is your philosophy of life?
You know what really bothers me? That little lizard thing-... Gecko. It's a gecko. That little gecko thing in the car insurance commercials. All bug-eyed and charismatic. It's creepy.
Values
1.What are the most important rewards you expect in your career?
Money.
2.Do you enjoy independent research?
Hey, that's how ALL guys learn to use The Internet. Don't judge me!
3.In what kind of a work environment are you most comfortable?
You mean, dress code? I don't care, as long as brothers pull their pants up.
4.How do you work under pressure?
I usually panic and go home, so others have to deal with it. Works good.
5.How would you describe the ideal job for you?
A multi-million-dollar settlement.
6.What two or three things are most important to you in your job?
Animal crackers in the vending machine, an embarrassingly high salary, and a window.
7.What is the highest form of praise?
When I walk in the room, and everybody goes pale, because I'm covered in blood. There's no better feeling.
Goals/Objectives
1.What are your short range and long-range goals and objectives?
I hate that one! You first.
2.What specific goals other than those related to your occupation have you established for yourself for the next 10 years?
I don't think that far ahead.
3.What do you see yourself doing in 5 years?
Same shit, in front of a different douchebag.
4.What do you really want to do in life?
Drive fast, drink hard, and make out, all at once.
5.How do you plan to achieve your career goals?
Murder, if it comes to that.
Weaknesses/Negatives
1.What major problems have you encountered and how did you deal with them?
Nothing I couldn't cover up.
2.What have you learned from your mistakes?
Never lick a glacier. It was a dare.
3.What do you consider to be your greatest weakness?
My buddy had to pee on my tongue to save me. We done yet?
Skills/Abilities/Qualifications
1.What do you consider to be your greatest strengths?
I have excellent interpersonal skills and marksmanship.
2.Are you creative?
Yes.
3.What qualifications do you have that make you think you will be successful?
I'm incredibly good at kissing ass AND stabbing people in the back. Very few people can do both.
4.In what ways do you think you can make a contribution to our organization?
Hahahahaha! Ha?
5.Why should I hire you?
Because all the guys who turned me down are dead.
6.Why do you feel qualified for this job?
There is a Martian crawling across the ceiling right now.
7.What are your special abilities?
Are you even listening to me?
Experience
1.In what jobs have you been most interested?
Blow. Haaahahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAH!! Get it? OH! That was pretty good. Hoo-ah!
2.Tell me about your experience.
Which one? One time, I did some nitrous, and I swear the bookshelves were throbbing, like, DHUT-DHUT-DHUT-DHUT-DHUT-DHUT
3.How did your previous employer treat you?
I'm not allowed to talk about that.
4.What have you learned from some jobs you have held?
From driving the school bus, I learned about Grand Mal seizures. You know what those are? Man, once you see a kid in braces and headgear, squirmin' under the seats, bouncing up against 'em like popcorn... Well, nothing ever comes close to being that funny again. I mean, it's like, every other thing you see is a let-down.
5.What jobs have you enjoyed most? Least? Why?
I don't really enjoy work. That's why I get paid to do it.
6.What have you done that shows initiative and willingness to work?
One time I applied for work as an ATA-certified translator. When the guy asked me if I was certified, I said no -- I'm honest like that -- and he said something rude. I knocked him out (one punch!), and took over his desk for the day. Brought in three new contracts over the phone, using the audio feature on Google Translate.
7.What did you like least about your last job?
The cleanup. Forensics is very thorough these days.
8.What did you like most about your last job?
I got to ride in a motorcycle sidecar, with a leather flight cap and goggles. That was a childhood dream come true.
Education
1.How has your education prepared you for a career?
That's the stupidest question I've ever heard. Next!
2.Why did you select your college or university?
Three words: hot, brainy chicks.
3.If you could, would you plan your academic study differently?
Hey, does this mole look irregular to you?
4.Do you think your grades are a good indication of your academic achievement?
HOLY SHIT I THINK I HAVE MELANOMA I AM GOING TO DIE MAN
5.Do you have plans for continued study?
OH MY GOD WHYYY-... Oh. It's a, um...
6.Why did you pick your program or concentration?
Right! It's a smudge from a temporary tattoo. Phew! No, it was cool. It was a little cartoon frog head in a glittery star. Hard to describe.
General
1.What do you think it takes to be successful in a company like ours?
Is that a snot ring around your middle finger? I'd say "Not much."
2.Describe the relationship that should exist between a supervisor and subordinates.
If it's consensual, or at least quiet, it's OK.
3.What 2 or 3 accomplishments have given you the most satisfaction?
In high school, there was this fat kid on the soccer team. I wedgied him so hard, his underwear elastic ripped all the way off. I made him wear it like a necklace.
4.If you were hiring a graduate for this position what would you look for?
What the hell, man? If a tree falls over... I mean, what's the point?
5.What can I do for you?
You can stop asking questions and give me an offer letter, so I can go home, spank it, and nap.
6.Tell me a story.
Are you insane? OK, OK. Once upon a time, you gave me an offer letter. Then I went home, masturbated, and napped. The End.
7.Define cooperation.
Don't wanna.
Self Awareness
1.How would you describe yourself?
I'd like to phone a friend.
2.Tell me about yourself?
The phone call. I have a right.
3.What motivates you to put forth your greatest effort?
Dude! You have a land line? Do you realize how primitive that is? Show me your flint knapping kit, Thag!
4.How do you determine or evaluate success?
FIRE GOOD
5.What academic subjects did you like best? Least?
Come closer. Let Grog groom your matted beard.
6.What led you to choose the career for which you are preparing?
Do you make up these questions, or do they write 'em down for you?
7.What personal characteristics are necessary for success in your chosen field?
What do you mean, 'I'm not helping?!'
8.What is your philosophy of life?
You know what really bothers me? That little lizard thing-... Gecko. It's a gecko. That little gecko thing in the car insurance commercials. All bug-eyed and charismatic. It's creepy.
Values
1.What are the most important rewards you expect in your career?
Money.
2.Do you enjoy independent research?
Hey, that's how ALL guys learn to use The Internet. Don't judge me!
3.In what kind of a work environment are you most comfortable?
You mean, dress code? I don't care, as long as brothers pull their pants up.
4.How do you work under pressure?
I usually panic and go home, so others have to deal with it. Works good.
5.How would you describe the ideal job for you?
A multi-million-dollar settlement.
6.What two or three things are most important to you in your job?
Animal crackers in the vending machine, an embarrassingly high salary, and a window.
7.What is the highest form of praise?
When I walk in the room, and everybody goes pale, because I'm covered in blood. There's no better feeling.
Goals/Objectives
1.What are your short range and long-range goals and objectives?
I hate that one! You first.
2.What specific goals other than those related to your occupation have you established for yourself for the next 10 years?
I don't think that far ahead.
3.What do you see yourself doing in 5 years?
Same shit, in front of a different douchebag.
4.What do you really want to do in life?
Drive fast, drink hard, and make out, all at once.
5.How do you plan to achieve your career goals?
Murder, if it comes to that.
Weaknesses/Negatives
1.What major problems have you encountered and how did you deal with them?
Nothing I couldn't cover up.
2.What have you learned from your mistakes?
Never lick a glacier. It was a dare.
3.What do you consider to be your greatest weakness?
My buddy had to pee on my tongue to save me. We done yet?
