Relax.

[opabinia]

I went to bed at a reasonable hour, but I simply could not fall asleep. I had unpleasant echoes in my head. Got up, sat on the porch in the cold for a while. Then I turned on the computer and surfed around until 4 or 5.

***

My family, my cousins, my old aunt in particular: They were all in on it. They played tricks on me, with strings and light and sounds, ever since I was too little to distinguish illusion from reality. I grew up with inexplicable phenomena etched deep into my perception of the world. I was afraid of the way I couldn't understand things. Eerie things happened in the house -- things moved, elusive creatures left traces of their wanderings through the rooms.

One day, well into my adulthood, I caught them. I saw them orchestrating a trick. I confronted them. Things got very ugly: property damage, threats, violence, murder. I had to exact revenge in order to reassure myself, to rid myself of the uncomfortable doubts they had created in my version of physical reality. Then I woke up. I was very, very late for work. The disturbing dreams tend to come on Sunday nights.

***

I told my boss I'm jumping ship in two or three weeks. He wasn't too surprised. I have a pile of work to do today. I'll be stuck here late.

***

JD at Mass.Micr0l4b.s will soon have a new tech. I feel accomplished: I've found him an employee, and I've found my co-worker a better job.

***

Today I read Ray Carver's "Would you please be quiet, please?" I could see myself in there -- my head goes like that, sometimes.

***

Life's good, but I feel strange. I think it's impatience. I feel a little sick with accumulated stress, or prolonged disappointment with myself. I know I'm hard on myself sometimes. Maybe I'm exhaling after holding it all in for too long. Things are looking up. The changes have been good. I just want everything I've been wanting now.

Comments

[water-childe.livejournal.com]

Maybe I'm exhaling after holding it all in for too long. Things are looking up. The changes have been good. I just want everything I've been wanting now.

*smiles* I think I honestly identify with how you feel. Sometime being patient and acknowledging that there is only so much control you can exert over the pace of certain events in your life can be almost terrible to cope with.

[spitcurl.livejournal.com]

Benn there. For awhile now. :) I noticed the exhaling months ago before I even realized I was spending all that time holding my breath. (Makes sense, as I should probably be underwater.)

And I am also feeling impatient, like this month in particular is at a standstill.