Relax.

I went to bed at a reasonable hour, but I simply could not fall asleep. I had unpleasant echoes in my head. Got up, sat on the porch in the cold for a while. Then I turned on the computer and surfed around until 4 or 5.

***

My family, my cousins, my old aunt in particular: They were all in on it. They played tricks on me, with strings and light and sounds, ever since I was too little to distinguish illusion from reality. I grew up with inexplicable phenomena etched deep into my perception of the world. I was afraid of the way I couldn't understand things. Eerie things happened in the house -- things moved, elusive creatures left traces of their wanderings through the rooms.

One day, well into my adulthood, I caught them. I saw them orchestrating a trick. I confronted them. Things got very ugly: property damage, threats, violence, murder. I had to exact revenge in order to reassure myself, to rid myself of the uncomfortable doubts they had created in my version of physical reality. Then I woke up. I was very, very late for work. The disturbing dreams tend to come on Sunday nights.

***

I told my boss I'm jumping ship in two or three weeks. He wasn't too surprised. I have a pile of work to do today. I'll be stuck here late.

***

JD at Mass.Micr0l4b.s will soon have a new tech. I feel accomplished: I've found him an employee, and I've found my co-worker a better job.

***

Today I read Ray Carver's "Would you please be quiet, please?" I could see myself in there -- my head goes like that, sometimes.

***

Life's good, but I feel strange. I think it's impatience. I feel a little sick with accumulated stress, or prolonged disappointment with myself. I know I'm hard on myself sometimes. Maybe I'm exhaling after holding it all in for too long. Things are looking up. The changes have been good. I just want everything I've been wanting now.